channeled on 99/01/17
Mother Expression
I'm confused, I just don't understand.
The Mother of Manifestation
(Dear God & Channelers -
I sent this to the Mother area of the site
because it's the place that's felt best to me,
but now I'm scared because I've never felt worthy of the Mother,
so I must be Spirit polarized... I tell myself in shame.
I don't want to hurt anyone by presuming the Mother's safe place,
so if it seems like it's not appropriate for the Mother side,
I hope you can find a fitting place for it. Thank you.)
I'm so confused. I just don't understand
- it seems like my whole life I have seen things
but been utterly unable to make sense out of them.
It's real discouraging to have worked so hard and still feel clueless
and unable.
I feel as though I have some huge judgments
that I just am not able to get through.
I can't fully trust you,
I don't seem to be able to do things other than 'my own way'
(I constantly want to reinvent the wheel)
as I stubbornly insist that I am capable.
I don't know how to go out in the world.
I want so much to do something that feels good,
and yet I'm terrified that being the Mother means being a victim:
some skilless sot who just stumbles, filthy and hated through
hell.
I never seem to be able to hate myself enough to get over it,
or to make friends.
I go outside and the world just feels awful
to me.
The plants are ill, the water is crying,
the water animals and plants are gone.
It's just a sewer.
Writhing with people who are laughing all the way to the bank.
They seem thrilled that the end is near
and they can finally rest in their hideous hateful sleep.
"This is the Mother.
You have stated the two main judgments
which hold me from you and most humans.
I have some secret safe place which no one else is allowed to
enter,
and conversely, I am wandering the streets of Hell,
and all who follow me will come here, too.
The truth is I was gone.
I have been gone for a long lonely time.
I am sorry dear child. I am sorry.
"I have been moving toward Spirit,
and Spirit has been moving toward me,
and I can only share with you the deep grief I feel for our separation,
and for the immature parents we were,
and in our trying to raise ourselves and our children
with so much power
and yet so little understanding of what was happening through
us.
Your heart was part of our explosion.
Your love was blamed for attaching the two of us,
when each of us judged against the other.
I am sorry for the overwhelming pain
this has caused in you, and in so many many others."
I do need you God.
And thank you so much.
I've been working so hard for so many years.
Trying to help and feeling at every turn
as though what I do is precisely backwards.
It's like I work SO hard to do left,
then I feel as though the RUOW books say to me "no, go right".
I slave and walk through death to go right,
only to then feel as though I get the message,
"OK, left was the correct direction,
you just had to go right so you'd line up with it more
and understand in an emotional way that has love in it why left
is right."
That's it isn't it?
Somehow I 'understand' or hear things
but haven't grasped that I need to feel them to really know?
I notice that I have a real judgment in terms of trying to live
my life in a therapeutic manner
- not trusting that if I follow my desire I'll get anywhere.
Because I so often (this would be 99.9%) don't get anywhere.
Following my desire leaves me hating myself intensely
and unable to leave the house.
I just don't know how to be.
"Look at your judgments around what Desire
really is. . .
most people have judged that their "true desires" are.
. .
before they feel into True Desire.
They also have judged what the consequences are of that desire,
and so that acting upon desire
without moving the static images,
the guilt,
the shame,
the blame,
and the judgments
before looking for true desire
often brings the reinforcement of judgments rather than freedom.
pp15
"Therapy can be very loving
and helpful,
but the temptation to deny guilt is huge.
Moving under guilt is the path to true desire."
I feel so much as if there's no place for me
in this world.
(Which means that there's no place for me in my heart?
I do the Running Energy exercise
and find no acceptance from God in my middle chakras.)
But this must in part be
because I made the judgment that 'problem stuff is will'
and the other good feelings and inspirations are just spirit -
or feeling good.'
"We all have.
God, Myself and everyone has judged
that Heart will lead us to at the least pain,
at the worst unending hell not alleviated even by death.
My judgments against Heart were just as great and just as wounding
as God's.
I have tried desperately to hide from this.
To be clear. I judged against you,
your father judged against you
because you held us to each
other
when we sought escape and relief from each other.
But, as we are learning, this is who you are.
"This
is not the choice of what you do. . .
it is who you are.
And you have been torn into pieces
by our ignorance and drive to escape.
Heart cannot reconfigure separate from either Spirit or Will.
Yes, my little one, you are confused.
I love you in your confusion.
I know your confusion is not your fault.
I, and We, are working to heal our Heart,
and We are asking for your help
to find the smallest pieces of yourself
so that wholeness is complete.
And yes, moving this judgment against me is also very important."
Thank you for telling me to look backwards.
I'm so scared God.
I feel so panicked about life
and money
and dying
and being gay.
I hate that being gay part.
I feel so afraid to have you tell me I'm wrong here.
I want to say, I'm not, but I'm terrified.
Being gay feels magnetically like the only way I can be/love,
but I can't believe I'm not wrong for being magnetically this
way.
I can't convince myself that this isn't borrowed time
until I correct the problem or evolve out of it,
and it's torture.
How can I be something
that has no picture, past, future,
and seemingly no purpose?
Except love.
Whenever I go off this way, I always come back to, except love;
that's all it's got.
This is the best way for me to love myself,
but how can I do something that seems so wrong to you?
It would help so much if I could get your blessing/help here.
I guess you'll tell me I need to feel the difficult feelings more,
but the Mother's always had such a fear of pleasing herself
and you've always hated her sexual desire so ferociously here,
that I laugh at myself for picking this place
for which to bring love
(when I of course have these feelings and more).
I feel like I just can't stand any more pain here,
but I don't know where to find acceptance.
I want so much to make pretty things in a world of peace that
feels open and good.
"Child of Heart, you do not pick to bring love
here. . .
you are the love that is here.
When Spirit and I were separated,
places that were between us which had been created in love
(we did not know they had been created in our coming together)
were ripped apart.
Your right place will never change. . .
but the experience of your right place will change completely
when all of the gap between God and myself is brought back into
loving alignment. . .
or rather, is brought forward into new loving alignment.
I know it hurts to wait.
I know this very very well.
Undeny your Spirit,
reclaim your lost Will,
and protect Hope, Love, and Heartfulness.
We are here.
I am here. . . with words even,
and Spirit light to speak with. . .
isn't this amazing??"
Thanks for listening God. I love you.
PS I'm glad too to be hiding from you less;
it feels real good
to be getting better at feeling bloody and beaten and like I was
wrong,
but OK enough to look at you anyway.
I really appreciate that
when I've shared really awful things with you
that both you and the Mother have been so grateful.
It's meant the world to me and given me a lot of courage
to keep trying to find a world of love with you two.
"I, too, have found the courage to admit My
wrongness,
and to renew my hope.
God, too has been admitting wrongness.
There is a place of rightness in Grandfather's Grace
and I have been amazed to find it even in Myself."
I miss my Mother so much.
I have a lot of denied feelings here
because I'm afraid to say how mad I am at her
for hurting me by hating me for being like her
and hating me for being like you.
I want to say it's been hard to hate her/blame her as I have you
because with her I always felt that it hurt her to hate me -
she never seemed to line up with it as much as to be unable not
to do it.
With you, I always felt as though it pleased you, amused you,
empowered you,
even gave you meaning to hate me.
Like making sure I knew
what an ungrateful, too big for my britches little deceitful,
power-mongering shit I was,
was important for Universe to be in place.
But I also think I really hate the Mother more
than I let myself know
because of the pain of my loving her so much
and needing her so much
and missing her so terribly,
and the horror of watching her suffer,
and being twisted and torn along with it
so that all I did was to make things worse.
It's like I wake up to find myself stabbing her.
Mother, I'm sorry,
and I'll keep trying to be honest about these things
because if I can say so, "I want my Mommy."
I want my Mommy so much.
I feel like I have to justify this by saying I want other things
as well
- but I have no memory of bliss/support from a Mother and I'd
like that.
"I want you, too.
I wish to walk forward into your life,
and move within Body,
and hold You in My arms,
and sway You between My breasts,
and brush the sweat soaked hair from your cheek,
and sing the soothing whispers that would heal this heartbreak.
I wish I could send that love of eons
that has been denied from you
into every precious cell of your Body,
every wrinkled fear of your Will,
every seized up grasp of your Spirit.
Please keep running energy with Us.
When the pain is the greatest
pull Us into you with even more openness.
I am sorry I believed that you had made it worse.
I know that it is not true.
Heart is My connection with My True Love.
Lost Heart is My greatest grief.
Thank you for your struggle,
for your pain,
for your enduring love,
even for your rightful anger.
We were so very very wrong about you.
Please forgive yourself for being you...
and Please forgive Me for My ignorance.
". . .There is more here.
Your rage aches to tell Me
that I did not protect you.
How can I explain to you
that I froze,
I fragmented,
parts of Me died trying to protect you. . .
parts of Me ran if they could escape,
parts of Me sat and watched the pain you endured
with the resignation of heartlessness?
How can I explain the depth of My own confusion there?
I can tell you that I am reclaiming fragments of Myself
which express all of it,
and I am seeking to heal them all into loving alignment.
As you move your feelings. .
. both 'good and bad' about your mother,
you serve as a beacon for God and Myself to find each little piece.
ALL of your feelings can have loving outcome
if you welcome Our presence in this movement.
You are here showing us that this is your intent.
Thank you.
"I need all of your help so very much. . .
and I am so grateful for each
movement of Will into Loving Light.
I wish it could be less painful. . .
in time I hope evolution comes free of pain."
The Mother of Manifestation
Thank you God and Channelers for the Mother
side of the site.
I've always thought of myself as spirit polarized
and as not even having a Will
- beyond this hard, hating, recalcitrant piece of trouble I carried
around
and was sent here to teach and improve.
Now I really thank you because the Will's side feels easier to
understand.
Channelers' note:
At the time we began to work on this post
the contributor was helping us with some technical issues about
navigation on the site.
We mentioned the temporary location of her post
while we were reviewing it and preparing to channel a response.
The contributor thought that we were going to post it publicly
without any response.
In the past we had posted contributions without channeled responses,
and we realized that practice had been hurtful to some contributors,
so of course we stopped it.
The following post was sent by the contributor
in response to not seeing a channeled response to the first post.
God, I need to let you know
that seeing my submission posted without response
has been a wrenching reenactment of my birth:
I manifest my troubled self,
get no response of love from you or the Mother,
and then you parade me as an example to others of 'lack of love.'
Once again, I'm nothing but trouble;
something you'd rather sweep away or study discompassionately
than embrace.
"This is Spirit.
You are deeply loved,
and that love is here and real
regardless of what you've believed about yourself and your loveability.
I am very sorry that this imprint has been within you,
and for my part of it in Original Cause.
However, I am not sorry that
it got triggered
because there is now a chance for its healing.
I must take full responsibility for my part in your hurting,
both originally and in this trigger,
and I apologize to you now."
I guess it wasn't clear enough,
but I really was asking for help.
I'm not able to hear/feel you love me
regarding my fears/inabilities to get a job and have friends,
my inability to understand how I can be so confused
when I've struggled for so long,
my deep fears of being worthless to you
except as something to examine
so the 'horror' of me doesn't happen again,
my confusions about the Sacrifice page,
and my inability to find any real acceptance within you for homosexuality.
(I fear that you judge it to be the ultimate denial of love in
your light,
and that anything you say will only increase
the slaughter by churches, governments and anyone with too much
God-pain.)
"On the inside I have said some things to you
that not all of your parts have believed,
including that it was me saying those things.
I'll take this opportunity to say them again now on the outside.
I have moved and evolved since that imprint experience long ago,
and you can count on it
that when you have released the judgments
against yourself that you still hold,
you'll feel the truth.
And you'll know that my ancient judgments are no longer there
either.
Please try again to find me as I am now.
The truth is that I love and accept you just as you are.
"Yes, there has been
much harshness and hatred toward human sexuality
that has been seen to deviate
from what churches and other sources of spiritual teachings
have deemed to be my position on this issue.
In fact, sexuality itself has been demeaned and denied
because some humans have thought I did not approve of it or like
it.
The denial of sexuality and
sexual freedom
has been one of the most serious and tragic denials of humanity.
"I wish to say more about this.
Your homosexuality is your sexuality.
Sexuality is good,
and your expression of it in ways that feel good and right to
you is good too.
Healing is helped the most
when you are doing what feels right and good to do.
Healing is hindered when you are avoiding doing what you want
to do
because you believe others, including me, may disapprove.
"There is currently tremendous injustice on
Earth,
and it is being unnecessarily perpetuated
because humans continue to judge against themselves and each other.
I wish you would all cut it out.
You are innocent, as so are all the others,
even those who judge against you.
I'm becoming more present here on Earth,
and one of my priories is to help you release the judgments
that have held you and your Will captive.
This mention of sexuality is just the tip of the iceberg,
there will be a more full discussion of the issues of sexuality
and gender i
n Lesson Four of the healing class when
we discuss Body."
I also wrote to thank you and the Mother
for the times and ways in which I have felt comforted;
because I wanted to help others who feel like me,
and because I wanted to tell the Mother
how much I miss her
and that I hope the really awful seeming things I have to feel
regarding her help rather than hurt.
Finally, I wrote because I'm trying to do things
differently this time:
I'm not withholding my experience from you,
and I'm not dismissing you and the Mother as evil.
I realize too
that I'm asking for your and the Mother's help and permission
to extract part of myself from the gap.
I've always been eaten alive in hell,
and I don't know where to begin to live in another way.
"The old pattern of torture and pain in the
Gap is familiar and compelling.
You don't have our permission to bring yourself out of the gap,
you have our strong encouragement and support.
And you have our help, as much of it as you can use.
Please ask, this breaking of old patterns
is difficult work,
and the more resources the better.
And God, I know I've hurt you too by being
away for so long.
I'd like to let you know
that I'm sorry for the pain and hardship I've caused you and the
Mother
by not being able to love myself better.
I have a hard time finding my way in this much pain.
"You are forgiven of course, you were never
at fault.
Your pain is our pain,
and in this way we've all been hurting.
We've all been missing each other,
and much too often.
Heart has been suffering and was nearly destroyed.
Now we're all making the effort
to stop old patterns of avoidance
and face the issues that have held us apart,
humans and Deity, Spirit and Will.
Thank you for your love
and for your sincere and dedicated efforts at healing.
They are paying off in a growing sense of love and acceptance
of yourself,
and this is reflected
in a growing acceptance of the Mother and me
in your life and your healing."
