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COMMUNICATIONS
WITH DEITY
2002_11_19; last update: 2003_05_31
Mother, that last
dialog with you caused an
avalanche of events and decisions.
You always answered me, before I even sat down to write.
And today I must broach the present proposal to T's parents.
I've come a long way in less than four weeks:
I wanted to adopt 2 black children.
I gave up on adopting and was ready to be "just" a foster mother.
I gave up on "other" children, on "two", on "black",
understanding, that it's my own grandchild who is waiting for me.
I gave up being a foster grandma for T,
and was content with "just" replacing his present "noon-school",
and to utilize this legitimation for realizing my healing program.
I still had one condition ,
that T would move to the school across my veranda, called "Ofeq",
i.e. "horizon".
I thought I would win over the school to grant T the privilege to freely
go and come,
and I would fill his free hours with the studies and activities he really
wants to engage in.
Also this new school would have given him a new start,
free from the bad image he has in his present school.
Or so my logic was telling me.
The school "Ofeq"="Horizon" from
my veranda on Holocaust Day, when all were in white,
is the school I want to win over as a partner in my rehabilitation program
for T.
But then there was just no way to reach the
headmistress
Worse, the way I was treated came close to humiliation,
and still worse,
the info I gave about T and his present school,
was passed on to T's present school immediately
and only two hours later I got a call from T's mother,
that she will not allow T to move school,
though in the same breath she also told me,
that yet another mother had given her hell about T :
"If your son tries to suffocate my son one more
time,
I'll move heaven and earth to achieve your son's eviction".
So, Mother, before I write the final letter
to my son, help me understand,
what this experience with "Ofeq" means.
Should I let go of this last idea too, and try to work with the present school?
"No, your
idea about this school is right,
and that's why you are located next to it in the first place.
"It has to
do with the one and only goal of your caring for T.
But what this mean ?
As you understood, by yourself and with your daughter's help,
this new stage in your life is not about T.
It's about you.
"Those unpleasant interactions in the school triggered your hole:
"No one receives me. I arouse antagonism wherever I go.
I don't even have to open my mouth and people already hate me."
.....
This morning I dared to call Eilat and ask her professional advice:
"Is it correct, that the trend now is to integrate
extraordinary children in regular frameworks?"
She said yes, but as to my program with the school,
she said I should make them reach this conclusion and not suggest it myself.
"For if you want to make it easy for them by just
asking for that priviledge,
you are telling them, that they can't cope, while you can.
This will hit their ego. "
So you see, I started it all wrong,
and I don't understand, why I - who have planned and orchestrated this "project"
so carefully,
did run to the school so carelessly yesterday and twice today,
...
Like I was pushing myself to attract spit in my face:
"We don't talk to grandmothers, only to parents."
"But why wasn't I told that from the start."
"Weren't you told?" said Dorit haughtily.
"No, on the contrary, something bad happened.
Things I said were passed on to ..."
She didn't even let me finish this sentence.
"I don't know what you are talking about."
And she went back into her room.
Just like that - chopping off my head.
That's how I felt.
And who knows, that other woman from the Society for Nature protection,
the society which expelled me from Ein-Gedi,
might find a way to make the rangers chase after me,
and give me fines
for having created those paths and trimmed those trees.
She said: "I always see you going up the Titorah
Hill. You know we took care of the path there."
"But when spring was over, you neglected it. It was me, who has been
taking care of your path."
How could I be so stupid, to snap like that.
"You see,
now you can cry from the bottom of your soul.
Isn't that a healing?
You have had many months to rest,
now it's time to move on with your healing with greater speed..
And you, who judge others for their victimhood,
you still have so much victim pain in your soul
which is now reflected back to you
by victimizers, by people who don't respect you".
Yes, when I was so numb after the weekend with AL's
party and T's stay ,
and said to my daughter:
"I don't know, what I feel"
she said:
"I know, what's the matter.
It's like with Partnership
and your Desert Vision,
you know exactly what has to be done and suggest doing it,
and they just don't let you."
She had tears in her eyes, when she said that, and so had I.
"Now you
cannot retreat and you must not retreat,
it is your grandchild, and he is there to help you heal.
And this school is just the beginning.
Don't give up on the school,
define it as a criterion for your healing,
that they will receive you.
It will not happen by talking to them.
Don't even try one other time.
Let the parents do the job.
And you, you do with T, what is realistic and possible,
and while healing on the inside,
the outside - the school - will change too and finally receive you.
Thank you , Mother,
thank you for letting me have this experience as well as this understanding,
before I approach Immanuel, RU and the psychologist Tamar.
"You are
doing well and you'll attract not only triggers,
but experience much satisfaction and joy with T."
2002_11_23; last update: 2003_05_18
Mother, this time I do doubt, that communication
with you is real.
Despite all you said about "Ofeq" being the right school, it
is not,
and I have come to understand, that moving school at all, is wrong.
"Yes,
I know, my credibility is at stake,
but my task is not to take responsibility away from you.
You needed to go all the way to the top of the mountain,
including the passing through the triggers from the school,
because only from there can you see, that it will not work.
"You have had this experience so often in your life:
'A sign from heaven' sometimes assures your goal,
but often it only assures your path towards a vantage point,
from where you can spot the more relevant goal or path.
If you had given up on "Ofeq" because of that humiliation,
you would have acted out of pain and not out of concern for T.
"Once you had done your healing work concerning that trigger,
I helped you to arrange the meeting withOrit, your neighbor,
so you would learn from her all you needed to learn - NOW.
"When you
were a kid and walked up the stairs of your school,
you every morning read the words on a poster:
"Was er tat, tat er mit ganzer Seele, darum war
auch Gott mit ihm."
["what he did, he did with all his heart,
that's why also God was with him."]
Sometimes you must go the wrong path with all
you heart,
because only thus can you either heal or expand , or both."
2003_05_31
That was not the last trigger from "Ofeq".
And there
had to be learnt much more.
