I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may! 8;16 I desire to heal this pain in
my stomach and the weakness-tiredness resulting
from barely eating
I desire to understand the "bug" in my website's software,
which cuts it off from the Internet,
For what purpose did I attract this and how can it be repaired?
I desire that Tomer will accept and flow with his hard lessons
and become and show himself. I desire to stand up to Deqel
- whole (no blaming!, fine-tuned to my
boundaries - and part in peace. I desire to savor my al-one-ness
(completing 6 pages! ) as well as my togetherness
with Efrat and Mika
image
of the day
14th century illustration ofvomiting
from the Casanatense Tacuinum Sanitatis
hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today
8:32
My Body, my Partner,
my God
I again give thanks to the lesson you are putting me through,
and to bringing home to me the following principles:
a) Ask every day, that you'll attract only the kind and amount
of food,
which I, your Body, need in order to live a healthy and joyous
life.
b) Before opening our lips and placing (not "stuffing")
on our tongue,
train yourself in saying a short blessing with two parts:
One for an aspect of Nature or for a person or for a process
which brought this specific food to your house and your mouth,
and one for me, your Body, either for a specific organ or
function
or for one of our capacities: to sense, feel & love, to
think, learn & create,
I'm grate-full for Efrat's taking the role
of a strict mother and nurse for me,
though my state seems to have worsened ,
maybe because I haven't yet followed one order - to lie down.
But I can't help doing this now - at least until Deqel comes
at 9;30..
Finetuning
to my Present
Deqel
entered: "I want to hug you,
though I know you are cross with
me."
There is so much to tell, but I'm lying on my bed - unable to
sit and think.
To Rachel who is dear to us
We wanted to thank you
for our
haevruta studying,
and for connecting us to our heritage
Again - thank you
from the Benot-Mitzvah
Noa, Neta, Adi, Rotem,
Gili, Khof, Yuval, Yael,
Maya A. , Maya G.
Shakhaf, Shakhar, Shir
and she brought a gift, she had sown and created herself - a cover
for my Hebrew Bible.
I was very touched both by the gift itself and by the fact, that she
had made it herself.
Finetuning
to my Present
After she had appeased me more or less,
and after the issue of that "Initiatition Journey",
which I had planned for them,
was off the table,
I told her the story about my failure with that other plan - a gift for Yael's Bat-Mitzvah
- a trip to the underwater world of the Red Sea.
When I ended with: "And I still don't have a present for
her", she jumped:
"But that's easy to find, she likes everything that has
to do with drawing - painting."
Then it all poured out of her:
the idea, what to buy,
a phonecall to a shop at Modi'in,
the proposal to take me there and back,
the driving to Shilat center near Modi'in and the buying,
- I had exactly the sum of money needed in my purse -
"but you need money to return to Arad", "I've
already tickets for bus, train, bus"
... and then I took a deep breath and asked:
"Would it be possible that we bring the gift to Yael rightaway,
you together with me?"
She had no problem agreeing to drive me there, but why together
with her?
I persuaded her and we actually got off at Bezeq Street 11,
where in the last 5 years I entered only once...
and rang the bell....
At first nothing, but then my daughter appeared, while I hid
.
"I brought a guest and a gift for Yael", Deqel said
wisely.
Still it was a shock for Ronnit to see me there suddenly.
She invited us in, I repeated several times,
that we didn't want to disturb,
but since the whole idea and realization of the idea was Deqel's,
I wanted her to come with me and deliver the gift for Yael.
"Yael is with friends", said Ronnit and was truly
sorry.
I wasn't! For me it was important to deliver the gift
and then to be free of the "story".
I was so delighted of the ambience in the living room,
the delicate curtains, the lush trees outside,
that I expressed it several times:
"How beautiful is it around here!"
Ronnit called Itamar from his room downstairs.
Since Deqel will be his tutor in the Democratic School next
schoolyear,
just like she was Yael's in the year that just ended,
they had something to talk about.
But soon Itamar whispered something into his
mother's ear: "Yes, of course you can show grandma
what you are planning".
He felt too shy to do that and begged her to come with us.
She refused and only when Deqel encouraged him: "Take grandma with you, I have a
few minutes left!"
did he ask me to follow him to his room.
But he behaved strangely, not like when I meet him amidst the
Quartet last time.
I always wonder, how my four grandchildren take it,
that grandma never comes to visit in their home,
never since May 2003, except for an hour in May 2007.
Did my daughter tell them, that it was her who had asked me
to freeze our relationship,
"I don't want to hear about your life and I don't want
to tell you about mine!"
because she needed space to heal her past?
Itamar in his enviable room
showed me plans about making a video with his friends,
demonstrating how he films himself with the computer camera.
The video he wants to send to a certain website meant for this.
He also showed me his electrical kit.
After 10 minutes I felt, I needed to return
to Deqel, so she could bring me back.
I came to the two women, praised the magnificent tree in Ronnit's
garden,
and left together with Deqel. "Was it alright?" she
asked on the staircase. "Well, not really, it cannot be really
alright. But it was right, that we came."
On our way back I expressed my grate-full-ness. "Not only did you come to heal the
gap between the two of us,
you contributed to healing a tiny bit of a big gap
between me and my family!"
I still fill enormously grate-full for those less than 3 hours:
So much healing, so much completion!
Thank you, Deqel!
I feel I should talk to you and consult you in writing,
for my mind like my body is wobbly and postpones the decision:
should I accept Efrat's strong proposal to stay at Shoham,
go to the doctor with her and let myself be nursed by her
and by Immanuel, who'll return from London tomorrow
and goes on flight again only on Saturday night.
Previously both had asked me to stay for moving flat on July
31, Thursday,
and therefore had agreed that I come from Arad to Shoham only
on Sunday.
But now I'm sick, and the stomach cramps are far from receding,
though I'm following Efrat's diet order and even received
Reiki from Deqel.
I've rested most of the time after Deqel returned me from
Modi'in at 12:15. "But why
is it, that you want to undergo the strenous traveling to
and fro",
asked Efrat with some frustration,
"because of your garden?"
I hesitated, knowing that she would not like my reason:
"Garden and pool - if I can go
there at all - but mainly the need to be alone!"
"Aren't you alone enough here? From eight to five?"
I didn't answer.
Weekends, on which I'm not alone from 8-5 are hard for me.
Writing this - knowing that you listen - I feel ashamed and
ungrateful.
I'm sad, that for the last 5 years,
I've never been invited for a weekend to my daughter,
and to appear at her door today - to deliver the gift for
Yael -
I needed to take Deqel with me.
Nor am I truly welcome at Ra'ayah's, my daughter-in-love.
And there is this other daughter-in-love, Efrat,
who always - not only this time - wants me to come and to
stay.
When this time, too, I came a day earlier than planned before,
she said - after some hours - "You
know we are so glad you are here."
But that holy principle of being here, when my son is on flight,
and being absent, when he is with his family,
is still right and wonderfully effective.
"A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing".
So what should I do?
Even if my stomach won't get better and my weakness will stay
on,
I could fake being healthy and promise, that I would take
care of myself.
But the point is - am I needed here or is it right to retreat
to my castle?
"You
only mention the wish of your daughter-in-love,
but you feel very well, that for your son being all-one in
his trinity, is vital,
especially since this is the last weekend at Shoham before
moving flat
and for some time perhaps the last weekend without Tomer.
Moreover you didn't bring up what should be your first question:
Why did you attract this sickness in the first place?
You know, that I've been asking it many times already,
but the answer doesn't seem to be relevant for my decision
to stay of leave.
"But - in an indirect way - it IS relevant!
It is lovely that E. so much cares for you , but it's also
side-tracking her!
So first of all, slide out of her nursing as smoothly as possible
and leave!
"And
now - should you agree to this advice - rest and focus! rest
and focus!
Do you think, the technical disconnection of your site from
the Internet
has nothing to do with the physical "interruption",
forced on you by Body?"
What do you mean?
Please don't tell me,
I should slow down with K.i.s.s.-log!
I thought, I was guided and granted by you
to finally feel full-fill-ment,
by healing, learning, creating all day long
with the help of K.i.s.s.-log,
and I also understood,
that my compulsive work in order "to complete" pages
will exhaust itself in the end naturally,
and since it doesn't hurt anybody,
nor side-track me from what I'm here for,
why not go on with what I've been working since January 1?
"No, this is not the message of Body! It is something else.
Remember the harsh cards you got yesterday,
when you idly opened the box with HO cards on Efrat's table
and chose three pairs of cards."
I wished to forget that horrid composition:
"to frighten (image card: a fist with a
hammer reminding both of us of Tomer)
"to attack" image-card: (people marching
with a red flag in front of them)
"fright" (this attracted the worst
image card: a face aghast with terror).
Efrat wanted to comfort me and chose an additional pair for
me:
the text card : no word, - the image card: a person playing
guitar.
Since her own choice for herself didn't show any "nicer"
results,
she concluded:
"These cards want to tell us,
that there is permission for "things" like this"
responding unwittingly to my reaction:
"but such things are not in my life!"
I thought I could shove this "permission-message"
away,
and now you push me towards it again!
"If you look for a message,
even when being only partly aware that you do,
you should listen to it, shouldn't you?
I can not tell you, what will happen,
I'm not a "fortune-teller" as you know.
Nor can I give you the answer as to your stomach "problem".
One purpose you understood already:
Body asks you to respect him/her in the way you nurture her/him!
Your giving-in to your addiction, your gluttony and hunger-patterns
are no longer serving you or Creation.
You should you pressure me now for understanding more.
A process has started and you need to be alert and aware.
The answer will come
and with it the strength to live your and the planet's drama.
I don't feel like wanting to thank you for this frightening
message!
"Didn't
Deqel tell you today,
that both self-sown, self-embroidered wrappings for your Bible, the cover with "A
thousand of pathes"
made by your daughter 23 years ago, and the bag with the line: "know, that each shepherd and shepherdess
have a unique melody of his/her own",
made by Deqel for you now, have one message: 'You, Rachel, are
enveloped and guarded,
so that nothing may happen to you'
But you know, I'm not afraid that something could "happen"
to me,
but that I'll be confronted with situations among my "actors",
with which they or I shall not be able to cope!
"If this should happen, see
the text-less person with the guitar,
and simply sing your songs!"
I wouldn't allow my daughter to sit like that while eating...
another role-play,
but I forgot the theme
and who plays whom
LL
We
watch the 6 min. video,
Immanuel had completed creating before he went on flight,
about the kindergarden's bonfire evening on Lag
Ba-Omer.
It was based on Tomer's first editing work
