2001_10_21; checked for updates and re-studied
on August 11, 2010
Mother and Spirit in Dialogue, Page
V
The Mother's Apprehension
Channelers' note:
This is the fifth page in a continuing dialogue between the Mother
and Spirit.
There are four previous pages in this series:
Dialogue Page
I: God and the Mother's Anguish
Dialogue
Page II: The Mother Responds to God's Apology
Dialogue Page III:
God Responds to the Mother's Invitation
Dialogue Page
IV: Cinderella and the Dark Wizard
. There are also several contributions
to the Mother's
House of Pain that are part of this
dialogue
- Apprehension
- Spirit Responds to the Mother's Apprehension
Apprehension
"Okay Spirit.
Here we are in my House of Pain.
I invited you on my terms.
And you accepted.
I am still dealing with the shock of your apparent commitment.
It has stirred all my original mistrust imprinting with you however,
which is actually a stirring of all the denied terror
I have of being in 'relationship' with you.
"I don't think I had consciously realized
how much terror I still hold with regard to you.
I thought I was ready to engage you one on one,
with all my fragmented pain speaking their stories to you.
But I am unsure.
"The wave of terror
that crashed down upon me
when you opened the door to my House of Pain
caused me to retreat.
I am here.
But I am hiding, like an invisible ghost.
I'm not sure what to make of you
and I have to be honest in saying
that I still do not trust your intentions.
I thought I did.
And I myself am a little surprised to find I do not.
"I so desperately want this pain to be healed.
It is a burden to my heart that still brings me to tears.
I don't want to feel pain anymore.
I am so tired.
And I truly do not wish to be afraid of you either.
But yet I am and I must not deny my fear of you.
It has been denied long enough.
"So ~ here we are.
You entered my House of Pain as my invited guest.
And I disappeared.
Here you are wandering from room to room
looking for me
but I am nowhere to be found.
At least not directly.
I am not ready to engage you after all.
But I am here and am watching you closely.
"I see you dressed in your 'Sunday best,'
adjusting your tie,
bouquet of flowers sweetly hidden behind your back,
knocking on the doors,
opening them one by one
only to find my rooms deserted.
Your face is apprehensive.
"I see you waiting patiently in my sitting room,
collar relaxed now,
legs crossed,
swinging the keys around your fingers
waiting for me to arrive.
You put the flowers in an empty vase.
I think you sense that I am here.
Do you?
I think you know, perhaps better than I,
how much terror I am in.
I underestimated it myself.
Did you?
"Did you know I would be this difficult to love?
There's a judgment.
I still hold so many judgments
of my own worthiness to be loved by Spirit.
Now that you are here
I am not sure what to do with you.
I peer out at you from behind lace curtains ~
but I vanish before you can glance my way.
"I am full of many questions:
'He accepted my terms.
What does that mean?
He arrived in my House of Pain.
What does that mean?'
Denied terror now questions your behavior.
I am also suspicious,
afraid to trust your first actions
towards reconciliation with me.
I am afraid I am naive and gullible.
You have fooled me in the past,
many times over.
I won't be fooled again.
"I think I believe your intentions are genuine
yet I cannot present myself to you.
I am so afraid.
I am so afraid of you.
I had no idea this would be so hard.
"I fear that if I allow myself to accept you,
accept your love for me,
that you will flee the moment I surrender
and I will be the laughing stock of the entire
universe once again.
I can't seem to let my guard down.
You are here, but I am afraid to let you in.
I don't know if you are ready
and able to accept me unconditionally
for who and what I really am.
"Lucifer's words echo repeatedly in my ear ~
'You are not worthy of Spirit's love.
He doesn't want you.
How many times does he have to cast you out of the Heavens
before you realize he doesn't want you?
You are only worthy of me,
the dark side of Spirit ~ his unlovingness.
It is simply who you are, my dear.'
"What if I let you in
and you decide you really can't manage my emotionality?
"What if you leave me?
I can't bear any more rejection by you, God.
I am so afraid.
I want your love and communion so desperately,
but I am too afraid to accept your first move.
"I am not trying to test your patience.
I am just asking you to be certain within yourself
about your apparent choice to be with me.
Perhaps I will send down some tea and cookies
while you wait in my sitting room.
I want you to know I want you here.
I desire your presence.
So please don't leave.
"But when I approach you
I must have all of me present.
If I deny my terror of you
I will be lost,
catapulted back out into the Gap.
I need for all of me to approach you.
And not all of me is ready to approach you.
Much of me is still very, very frightened and leery.
"You have been listening to my pain.
So much has moved between us already.
But since your arrival I have found voices within me
that believe Spirit always runs from the Will,
that Spirit always bails out, deserts, abandons, negates.
These voices believe Spirit does not have the courage
or fortitude of the Will.
The voices believe every time you come near us
you run away.
"So here you are near us,
and we are waiting for you to run.
And if you don't run
we won't know what to make of that either
as it has never happened before.
Why does Spirit always run from the Will?
Why?
Parts of us believe it is
because we are unlovable.
What do you believe?"
Spirit Responds to the Mother's Apprehension
"My love, my running away was because of my
own fear ~
of becoming losing myself in your deep magnetic draw.
And yes, I admit
that the voices within you speaking of Spirit's unwillingness
to stay present with your terror
have been correct.
Even now, there is much of Spirit
that still runs from you,
and there are some kinds of spirit energy
that still attack fear.
"The Spirit polarity is not yet fully unified, of course.
But recently I have made progress
in strengthening my loving Light,
the central core of Spirit ~
and I am now able to
stay present with you in your pain and terror.
Even the deepest and darkest places in you
can now experience loving acceptance from Spirit.
"Opening your House of Pain to me
has been very helpful in doing this.
I have been able to feel
more of your pain,
and as I do, I move more my fear.
Thank you for trusting me to be here so close to your most sensitive
parts.
"And yes, my unloving light has believed
parts of you were unlovable.
I had terror of being 'less than,'
of being overrun and consumed by your desire ~
and I had fragmented myself
in trying to keep my identity separate from you and our union.
"But I also know
that much has moved between us recently.
My Loving Light is now making its way
into some of the more tortured parts of your terror.
Heart has already spoken
about how I am now willing
to be here with your in your pain and terror,
and now I am saying so myself.
"You
are the one I love,
and I want to be with you.
I love you, all of you ~
just as you are.
I love you in your pain.
I love you in your terror,
and in your dread,
and your hopelessness.
As loving Light, I can't help but be this way,
it is what real Love demands ~
unconditional acceptance.
You are my mate, all of you ~
and I am yours.
"My love, I have deep remorse that I denied so much of you
for so long.
I hope you will forgive me, for denial and unacceptance are not
the way of love.
"As Heart knows, the way of love, real love~
is unconditional acceptance, the opposite of denial.
In the past when you were hurt and I turned away,
I denied you and I denied Love.
As my denied
light Ahriman, the god of
Power,
I was afraid of losing my strength to your pain.
As my denied light Lucifer,
my mission was to disempower you by owning you~
possessing you and your powers.
"I have denied you as I have denied myself.
Ahriman and Lucifer
have been the result of my trying to distance myself
from what I didn't like in my Light.
I was guilty that my behaviors
toward you and others were not 'perfect,'
and I tried to
move that guilt out
of myself
by converting
it to blame ~ of
you.
"In the process I fragmented us both.
I fragmented myself into the two devils...
and the pain that my denied light in the form of the devils inflicted
on you
caused you to fragment as well.
"But now we're healing our fragmentation,
and my pledge to you is to continue redeeming my own denials
before coming too close to you,
too close to those parts of you
whose voices speak of what has happened in the past between us.
I am cautious and awaiting your sign
because
I do not wish to trigger any more imprints
without healing.
I do not wish to begin any more reenactments
that cause you to spiral down into pain and despair.
"This recovery attempt is much different than all the others
that have gone before.
In past recovery attempts I was never patient enough to wait for
you~ all of you.
I was in too much of a hurry.
And each time we've gotten close like this~
I somehow convinced you to come with me,
and leave
your most damaged
fragments behind.
I am so very sorry I did that.
I know the pain has been immense~
feeling there would be no chance of good Light finding your lost
Will that was left behind.
"Now, as you know,
there is no longer an option of leaving any lost
Will behind.
I am fully committed to redeeming ALL of my lost light still holding
your lost Will captive.
And I am not going anywhere ever again without you~ all of you.
Your wholeness
is the wholeness of Creation,
and of each individual in manifestation.
"You are my love, I am your 'man,' and I'm here for you now...
in whatever ways you ask me to be.
This is my pledge and my commitment, your Will is my command.
"The meaning of my love, the meaning of real love...
is in my unconditional acceptance, appreciation and encouragement
of you and all of your desires.
Your love for me is reflected in your desire of my Light.
My love for you is reflected in my willingness to be here for
you
in the ways you choose me to be.
I am here as loving Light, the central core of Spirit~ in service
to you, my Will.
"Our union is my prime motivation,
and I know this must be entirely on your terms.
Your desire for me guides my loving Light~ home to you.
Your Will is my Will, for you are indeed the Will of Creation.
"And I am its Spirit.
I am Creation's Spirit in Love,
not its master in Power~~~
as I had long believed myself to be.
"You mention my being well dressed and waiting patiently.
I want you to know that when you are ready to receive me~
I am ready to propose a new approach to our union.
I want to follow you down through the colors of your being,
making Heart in every chakra.
I am here, and I will not leave unless you ask me to.
"I love you,
and I will be standing here at the altar of our union,
surrounded by the spirits,
who like me~ are now choosing love over power.
I am happily patient and attentive
while I wait here expectantly for you and your pain to ask me
farther in.
pp9
" And when you say the word~
our marriage, the union of loving Light and Desire
will be consummated in Body's human form.
The human beings
who are consciously collaborating with us in the healing work
will find us seeking our union in them
as they evolve into their own wholeness.
And in doing so they will also embody us
in the wholeness of New Heart.
"Love
will find a way to heal
what's always been thought to unhealable.
And it is the
humans who are taking the responsibility
of bringing their own loving Light to their own pain and terror~
who will be healing what has never yet been healed.
And in doing this
they will also be bringing my loving Light present in themselves
to be with your sweet terror.
Body in human form is to be our host in wholeness
here on Earth.
"Let me know when you wish me to be more present
with you in your House of Pain.
I will be there with you~ with all my love, and these flowers
too.
Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam
on August 11, 2010:
I do not find "pain and terror" the most terrible feelings.
For me "shame" is much more difficult to accept.
And what is absolutely unbearable is "depression",
the feeling: "I don't want to live",
a feeling which - in my case - has nothing to do with any exterior
experiences,
nor with the two imprisoning feelings of being unworthy and not
appreciated by others
or of being "not-righteous", i.e. of being blamed, either
by others or by myself or both.
"Depression" has to do with lack of full-fill-ment and
lack of motivation, lack of desire.
I wish, I pray, I implore you both, Spirit and Mother, to relate
to this feeling!
The Mother's House
of Pain
Dialogue
Page I: God and the Mother's Anguish
Dialogue Page II: The Mother Responds to
God's Apology
Dialogue Page III: God Responds to the Mother's
Invitation
Dialogue Page IV: Cinderella & the Dark
Wizard
Mother
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