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COMMUNICATIONS
WITH DEITY
2002_07_11
[during the pregnancy with
Moving&Evolving Emotions Manual]
Dear Mother
I make another attempt
to communicate with you,
despite my fear of ~
Nevermind, I want to come straight to the point
and this is that I feel a tiny bit of success
in letting myself feel what I feel without judging
my feelings
or without trying to get a way from the feelings
or without trying to avoid the situation that triggers the feelings
though on the other hand
I do everything to limit the triggering situations
I mean the exterioir situations
But you can see, that rarely can I be with my children or grandchldren,
without having some kind of guilt afterwards,
or not guilt, but pain about somehthing bad the other person feels
like Ra'ayah yesterday, when she didn't like the noisy street theatre
"I don't like it either.
But why did you come? For the children?"
"Ronnit invited me and I didn't even know, what I came for."
So immediately I felt guilty,
because it was my daughter who was the reason, so my hole judged,
that my daughter-in-love was in a situation she didn't want to be in.
Can you believe, that I'm bothered by such - I do judge now - ridiculous things?
Then , when I let myself be touched by the "real"
world,
either by the news, which are all about hunger (Angola), war and murder,
or through a movie, which I didn't choose, but which you let me tap into
- Mother Theresa -
then I do judge my self for feeling pain or shame or guilt about ridiculous things.
And of course, there is also the constant need
for coping with the life I chose,
away from all the situations that seem to cry for my active doing.
And I ponder again and again about the course
of my life.
If not for my mother and teachers and husband,
my inner voice and the ordeal of my nagging thinking
I would have thrown myself into another Calcutta slum,
I would sit in the shit with the people
and I would feel, that I'm doing something
but also that my doing leads nowhere
I stepped back,
ever more back, back back, lower, lower, lower
starting at the beginning of the feelings,
the tiny feelings, noticable only,
because I've excluded all the opportunities for "real" triggers.
Its unbelievable, how wonderful, miraculous my exterior circumstances are
~
"Yes, I let
you see 'Mother Theresa',
and you were asking, why can't I see her her ups and downs, her mistakes
and you say, there is no time in a movie,
which has to cover so much information to convey a message,
no time to show the humaneness of Mother Theresa.
"And if there
is no time in a movie,
there is and was no time in her life.
"And you also
saw,
that her role in creation is necessary,
she is a piece of the puzzle,
but you are a different piece of the puzzle,
and without your part, her part is meaningless
like your part without
hers is meaningless.
She is you and you are her."
Yes, Mother, I can get mini glimpses lately of
'I am all these people , and these people are all me'.
And then for a nano second all judgments fall away,
those against myself and those against other people.
"So stick with your part ,
the part of the hologram which is visible, feelable for YOU
moment after moment
and I am with you."
Thank you, dearest, dearest Mother.
