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Christe Eleison - Beethoven, Missa Solemnis
pp37 Gaps and
the Eruption of Gapped Rage&Terror
See also pp27
and pp36
In 2008 I discovered,
that "popups" are no longer popular and "Internet Explorer"
has restricted my webpage from running them
I, therefore, insert the content of the popup "GAPS and GAPPED" which
I created - and linked to - in 2001-2002, above this puzzle-piece
2001_10_05 ; last update: 2011_11_05
Maryam, 2001/11/17; last update: 2002_10_15
It took me a long time
to understand these terms
"gaps" and "gapped".
And I understand them only when they appear in some contexts,
and don't understand them in other contexts.
But I'm always smiling,
when I see people with T-shirts
featuring the letters
GAP.
And I always remember the warning of the person,
responsible for the safety of passengers on the London subway:
"Watch the gap! watch the gap!"
I do understand,
that "gapping off" means to disconnect myself from my feelings.
I also understand,
that gapped rage and gapped terror
are rage and terror that I am not aware of,
not just rage and terror triggered by a certain event,
but an ocean of rage and terror,
that is totally cut off from my consciousness.
But I don't understand, for instance,
what God said to me in his response
to my question about Judgment Release:
[see pp6 ; 2001_12_31]
"The time to release judgments is not
when you get so near the Gap
that you can't think straight."
Until I get more understanding,
I'll phrase this popup reminder:
The gap is the empty space or void, These gaps are openings for the asuras, |
Maryam, 2001/12/26
I was glad, when I reached the above understanding,
but now, especially after rereading God's
response to me,
I see, that "gap" and "gapped" has a much larger meaning.
When shall I understand, so I can apply it to my healing?
Maryam, 2002_04_28; last update: 02_05_28
The
main content of World News is how and how many people are murdered.
Daily, by the hour.
Even I have become indifferent.
But these two events touched me,
each separately and especially in their coincidence.
The teachers/pupils massmurder
in the
Gutenberg Highschool in Erfurt/Germany
and
the child/woman/man murder in bedrooms and streets
in Adora/Occupied Palestine.
All the Israeli tanks in the streets of Palestinian
refugee camps
could not avoid the killing of a little girl hiding under her bed.
"It only means, that terror is not yet eradicated",
was all, an Israeli spokesman had to say.
A Palestinian murderer broke into the bedroom of a mother
wounding a baby and killing a girl the age of my grandchild Yael.
Another intruded into the house of a woman,
who had just returned from her nightshift in an old people's home.
Two men were killed on the street.
Let me tell you here my grief,
but
let me remove the sculpture of my rage to an appendix.
I still cry, when I sing this song, or even when I now translated it. It was in 1961, in Jerusalem, during the Eichman trial. A witness told: The Germans wanted to watch women giving birth. They put them on the cold floor. The newborns died immediately. The mothers were gassed later. This specific story, which I've retold hundreds of times, makes me sob even now. When I returned to the students' hostel that night and my Israeli roommate - Shulamit Richter - saw me totally broken, she said: "You should be called Rachel!" And with her deep, beautiful voice she sang this song. When - 3 years later - I became Jewish, I exchanged the name Christa for Rachel ~~ There is another tune to the Biblical words in Jeremiah 31, sung by Ra'ayah, my daughter-in-love, which includes the comforting part. So far I have been unable to remember this comforting part, neither the text nor the tune.
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And now there, in the country, the nation,
the religion,
where I was born 3 months before the 'Crystal Night',
the first public pogrom in Nazi Germany, 1938_11_09:
the biggest massmurder since World War II, they say.
Robert Steinhaeuser, 19, broke into his former school
killing 14 teachers, 2 pupils, a policeman and himself.
Not a "foreign" enemy,
as Israel perceives occupied and humiliated Ismael,
though both believe they are both children of Abraham.
[Only in "June-July 2011"
I learnt a song about this belief, SG 2007_11_27: "IF"]
Not even one of the "foreign" laborers from a poor country,
whose "eradication" is the goal of the French
elections' star.
Not even one of the notorious criminals,
whom a huge system of 'justice' and jails
has been trying to 'eradicate' since ages.
He was just a kid, 19 years old, expelled
from school,
another Cain who felt he wasn't received, esteemed.
"I'm
not worth anything. I'm nothing",
was the Cain-Pain hidden under his blaming rage.
He killed himself,
so there is no one
against whom the security forces can march,
no person or nation,
on whom to project people's rage and terror.
Murderer Robert Steinhaeuser, expelled pupil ERFURT Memorial for 14 teachers and 2 pupils: "WHY"
WHY?
I need to move not only my grief, but also my
"apocalyptyic" fury
before I'll be able to become parental
to these daily world events.
In all the five languages I know and the
additional four I once learnt
there is not a word strong enough to depict the quantity and quality
of the stupidity & foolishness that is dictating the anti-terror policy.
Nor is their a word for the dumbness and
helplessness of the Wise,
all those gathering in governmental committees and TV talkshows,
feverishly implementing some "better" laws and procedures
to fight the violence in schools.
One dissident voice I heard - from a German psychiatrist woman
tried to make the Wise at least aware of the dynamics in a class:
"It's not the black sheep alone who causes
the troubles.
It's often exactly the so-called good and decent pupils
who have a heinous part
in marking a kid as the scapegoat."
But even this observation
is a far cry from the simple answer
implied in the ancient Biblical story,
mentioned ever so often in that talkshow but not understood:
The
parable of Cain&Hevel
The same answer - more explicit, more elaborate - is implied in:
THE MOTHER TRIES TO SHOW ME HOW IT FEELS "... I felt a creeping self-loathing
"The more I approached Him without
feeling received, "I had a miserable self-image already... "I did not know then
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"Mosts problems have
arisen
because the Will needs acceptance it is not getting.
The repression
[i.e. our pattern or imprint of suppressing undisirable feelings, urges or memories]
falls back then, overwhelmed,
but overwhelmed only for as long as it takes
to build enough forces
When going ahead with action When emotional expression did not bring
Me a feeling of acceptance, I usually didn't
move again I've been doing this forever, until now, I'm not sure where balance is,
p.93 |
Then the Mother asks God to take over and tell about Heart's
part.
This chapter is called significantly:
......
"As the cosmic
balancing principles
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A week later, 2002_05_05
Maryam, 2002_05_05
Mother, when I banged the door because of my stupidity
and ran down the stairs and up your hill and back home,
I heard you saying with a smile:
"I played a trick on you, didn't I, by deleting
that photo!"
Yes, I wanted to exacerbate my sarcasm
about the World's NOT-UNDERSTANDING,
[expressed in my compositions of Adora-Erfurt
images]
by a photo from another city, far away from Israel/Ismael
- El Salvador, meaning "the Savior" -
that showed how the Saviors burnt Israel's flag on May Day.
But I made a mistake in saving (Savior!) and the photo is gone.
I wanted the Peru naiveness to be reflected in the El Salvador viciousness.
"You rage at so many people's belief,
that Israel will be SAVED from terrorists
if only "evil" and the guilty will be "eradicated",
never mind how many innocents are being sacrificed for this."
Yes, and Israel is not even admitting the so obvious
reasons for terror
in its own behavior of occupying, dominating, humiliating a sister nation.
"And you rage at so many people's belief
that the World will be SAVED from killers
if only people would live the love demonstrated by the self sacrificing Savior."
Yes and those people under the cross are not even aware
of the CainPain,
that is denied in most and therefore bursts forth in a kid who is part of us.
"You cannot even remove your fury
at an appendix, as you promised.
Let go of the sarcasm, but go with the fury.
Breathe it, Scream it, Dance it
Just remember that you too are projecting.
And what you are so furious about is reflecting a non-wholeness in you too."
Maryam, 2002_05_04 ; last update 2002_05_27
Now they are preaching "Mitmenschlichkeit",
"being human with each other".
Love and joy is the natural way of being.
It cannot be and must not be preached.
I can see it, if I let myself see and feel it,
when the four little ones are here.
Every now and then one comes around,
or jumps on me, saying: "I love you",
they grip the angle of my body closest to them,
hug me tightly for a moment and go back to play.
But if the fountain of spontaneity is blocked,
by unmoved Cain&Hevel pain&rage&fear,
neither love nor joy nor creativity can flow.
Too often I myself don't see and don't enjoy,
because of patterns and holes.
How much more does this apply to people
with an overwhelming Cain inside of them.
Not love has to be preached,
but self loathing has to be healed.
"I'm not worth anything, I'm nothing",
this is the one issue, that should be addressed now.
Even if it seems,
as it seems to me today,
that no one can help anyone else,
to heal her/his self-hatred.
[November
5, 2011 - today this seems to me to be an even greater predicament than
ever...]
See pp7, 2002_05_27
....
A Niagara of tears. And they run again now.
One - small - hole was the CainPain
in me:
My gift of causing her to see her beauty
was not only discarded, but maligned.
But the gaping, abysmal hole was this:
"If
you, you, you hate yourself so much,
that you cannot believe the beauty you see,
then there is no hope and no help for anyone.
"I told you about
the intense pleasure I felt
when I was watching you for a whole hour,
while you were reporting I's present saga.
"But there is just
no remedy to self-hatred.
Which means, there is no remedy for Cain,
which means, there is no hope for the world."
What could we do, but
hold each other
...
Maryam, 2002_05_28
Exactly a month ago I started this healing work
on
~~~~
my apocalyptic rage against the Anti-Terror policy.
In the latest suicide bombing, yesterday,
there were "only" two Israeli Jews killed :
a grandmother and her grandchild baby .
But at Deir Yassin,
1949_04_09,
there were probably also
grandmothers and baby grandchildren.
When I was a German scholarship student in Jerusalem
in 1960/61,
Ilse Strauss, the aunt of my future husband, Rafael Rosenzweig, told me:
"My son was among those who had to do the cleaning-up at Deir Yassin.
When he came back, in utter revulsion, he said:
'Mother, we now hate those Jewish terrorists as much as
we hate the Nazis'!"
I sob and I sob and can never stop.
The grief stays, but the rage subsided.
My intense work during these 30 days
was rewarded by an event of consolation.
The appearance of our Sarit Hadad
at the Eurovision 2002,
not appreciated by the voting masses,
obviously "for political reasons",
but deeply soothing for me.
I'll sculpt this solace in the Sound Puzzle
Piece.
Maryam, 2002_05_30
I returned
to
my communication with the mother
about bringing this lesson to an end.
But I don't find wholeness with this work.
Most of all I'm afraid of the consequences of my stern decision,
to not delete my expressions of rage.
What if visitors don't differentiate
between expressions of feelings
and my direction of thinking and acting?
What if they take it at face value and even act on it
as
people did with Saint Paul's rage against the Jews,
a WRATH which had become the HOLY WRIT??
2002_10_15
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Ingrid from Indonesia
weeps
as she waits to identify a body thought to be her missing British husband |
Karen and her fiance
in New York
frantically search to book a new trip. The couple, to be married this week, had planned their honeymoon in Bali. |
An Indonesian trader
yawns
during a slow trading day at the Jakarta Stock Exchange Stocks have plummeted in the capital |
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The Eruption
of Rage in the form of terror-acts is becoming more and more frequent and in the most unlikely locations, like in a mall in Finland and in a nightclub in Bali/Indonesia. where bomb blasts killed at least 183 people, mostly young Westerners. Ever escalating retaliation from the Israeli army, ever tightened security measures around the world, [Bush yesterday: "no one is secure anymore anywhere"], ever louder promises from the mouth of State leaders: "We shall eradicate this evil from the world!" cannot hide the total impotence of everyone, including those rational analysts, who know the exterior reasons for the hatred of the Third World against the West.
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.pplist
PUZZLE PIECES GUIDE 2001-2002 .pplistpreface -Preface to Puzzle Pieces Guide .pp1 - Driving backward .pp1b-Driving Backward to Retrieve Goodness .pp2 - Peer Companions .pp2b- Peer Companions .pp3 - Moving Emotions .pp4 - Identifying Triggers .pp5 - Trapping Will .pp6 - Releasing Judgments .pp6b-Releasing Judgments .pp7 - Total Self-Acceptance .pp8 - Understanding and Choosing Experience .pp9 - Body the Master Healer of Creation .pp10 -Denial of Will .pp10b-How God started to feel and to deny .pp11 - All of Creation .pp12 - The Goal: To become Parental and Whole .pp13 - Feel all there is to Feel .pp14 - God's and my Will and Desire .pp15 - Guilt&Blame are the same .pp16 - Reality reflects Denial .pp16b- Reality reflects Judgments .pp17 - How I learnt Moving Emotion Techniques .pp17b- Moving Emotions: Sound .pp17bb-Sound + 17bbNote: Heart .pp17c- Moving Emotions: Breath .pp17d- Moving Emotions: Body Movement .pp17e- "Releasing" Emotions or Moving & Evolving them? .pp18 - Good and Bad .pp19 - Body's Illness and Aging .pp19b -Body's Death .pp20 - Everyone a Hologram .pp21 - Oneness and Duality .pp21b-Fragments and Fragmentation .pp22- Perception and Projection |
.pp23
- Loving Hearts' Denials .pp24 - Lucifer and Ahriman .pp25 - Denial Spirits and Asuras .pp26 - Redeeming Lost Will .pp26b- Redeeming Lost Spirit .pp27 - Movement of Lost Will .pp28 - No overriding, no letting override .pp28b- No overriding, no letting override .pp29 - Reclaiming my Power .pp30 - Unconditional Love .pp31 - Sacrifice what you don't want .pp32 - Doing the Healing Work .pp33 - Greatness and Grandeur .pp33b-Reflection of Denied Greatness & Power .pp34 - Communication with Deity .pp35 - Following Will's and Body's Lead .pp36 - September 11, 2001 .pp37 - Gaps and Eruption of Gapped Rage & Terror .pp38 - Unconsciousness, Amnesia .pp39 - Deity and Manifestation .pp39b -The Process of Manifestation and Creation .pp40 - Cease Creating New Manifestations! .pp41 - I Create my own Reality .pp42 - Victim and Perpetrator .pp43 - Self-Victimization .pp44 - No one needs Correction or Punishment .pp45 - I need you to feel how I feel .pp46 - Love&Light&Joy&Peace??? .pp47 - Mary and The Mother .pp48 - Rage and Terror .pp48b -FEAR .pp49 - Ego .pp50 - "Let Consciousness Serve Sentience!" .pp51 - "Laughter - the Final Stage of Healing" .pp52 - Loving and Healing Sexually .pp53 - JOY .pp54 - Light's Way to Dwell in Hell .pp55 - Heaven on Earth |