I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
"to
feel better requires that you become better at feeling"
June 24/ Sivan 21, Tuesday, still 52 days -at Shoham Parting from my obsession to complete
this page--- on June 29
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may! 6:40 [Mika's parents
will leave at 7:00 and fly to Paris for 2 days and I'll be responsible
for Mika] I desire to not only fulfill
my task of caring for Mika in every demanded detail,
I desire to let her lead me in establishing a relationship which
will be nourishing for both of us.
I desire for Efrat to trust me and her daughter and let go of
too much controlling via SMS. I desire for Immanuel &
Efrat to celebrate their short togetherness outside family and
country.
I desire that both will grow together into their new status
of being the sole custodians of T.
I desire that both will constantly SEE, that they chose this
Foursome as the pivot of their drama
image of the
day
hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today
7:05 My Body,
my Partner,
my God
I give thanks to the microrganisms that constantly inhabit
us
to the "human
flora" which "include bacteria, fungi and archaea".
I give thanks to those organisms - called "normal flora
or microbiota" -
which perform tasks without which you could not function nor
live. [there are about ten times as many bacteria
as human cells in the body
(1000 trillion or 1 quadrillion (1015) versus 100 trillion
(1014)).
Though normal flora are found on all surfaces exposed to the
environment
(on the skin and eyes, in the mouth, nose, small intestine,
and colon),
the vast majority of bacteria live in the large intestine
]
I'm so very grate-full for the way
I was led to encourage my children
to take the decision of hiring that expensive house at Bet
Nehemya:
as their future home (from Aug. 1) in the "House of God
who comforts",
knowing, that this house with 5 rooms, a garden and close
to nature,
would allow E.'s panic of "having T. in the house"
relax to a great degree,
which in turn would help my son to cope with this huge challenge
ahead, also trusting that they will learn to balance their
finances better (by being more disciplined with daily
necessary expenses and 'small luxuries'
instead of trying to increase Immanuel's income by grabbing
for more flights,
which would waste precious time at home for the integration
of the Foursome.)
Thanks for this night's word "u-te-naham-eni"
you have comforted me Is.12:1
Addition on August 20, 2009:
How could I have been so wrong in recommending that house in that
village?
On August 27, 2009 my family will leave this house in its unpleasant
surroundings,
and until Sept. 23 they cannot even move into the newly hired flat,
back at Shoham
and will have to receive my daughter's offer to find refuge in their
home at Modi'in.
"Bet-Nehemya" - "the house of God who comforts"
- was only an experience...
an experience which taught Efrat (and ME!), that a "modern"
village in Israel
is both - far from Nature and far from a life in a community and communication.
Perhaps my pressure to succumb to that expensive offer had the indirect
purpose:
to understand once and for all, that "Shoham"
will be the right place for my family.
The morning hour with Mika was alright,
she had been told over and over what to expect from this day.
But the grief, which was smothering in the little heart, came to the
forefront,
when we left the flat, then the house, then drove through town, then
got out of the car.
Except for her exclamations: "Hinne etz-banana!"
- "a banana-tree"
, which she now discerns everywhere,
after I had showed and explained it to her "scientifically"
during one of our recent outings,
she kept repeating: "I want Imma!"
Only when we entered through the gate of the kindergarden, she exclaimed
again: "Hinne etz-banana!"
but she knew very well, that it was only a similarity of the leaves
in the small plant, which reminded her of a banana-shrub.
"Ani rotzah aet Imma" -I
want Imma
Finetuning to my Present
8:45
I'm back not only from having brought Mika to her kindergarden,
but from an additional assignment, paying a bill for
Efrat, small, but "hateful", i.e. bringing up feelings of "I
don't want to do this!"
especially not if i have to ask 3 times, where the postoffice
is ,
and not, when this office is hidden in a maze of floors
and corridors
which arouse claustrophobic sensations in my body.
I'm done with the phone-report to Efrat, who is still
waiting in the airport.
And I feel relief.
Still I also feel pain about Mika's pain: "Ani
rotzah aet Imma" -I
want Imma she said with a voice, which was
quiet with resignation.
She knew well, that she couldn't realize her longing
now,
but neither did she cry or scream, which may have moved
her grief more.
It was always this example I gave
when I was teaching
Mutual Support ("Co-counseling"): "Don't lie to a child! Don't
utter silly consolations! When she cries for her mother,
repeat her words with compassion:
"Yes, Mika, you want Imma, I know you want Imma". Since this happened during the
car ride over and over again,
I couldn't even hug her.
Nor would she have allowed hugging.
So I was soothing her by singing the song
I had explained to her as prelude for this day.
"You know, that when your
Abba was small , he also had an Abba,
(and there was also Micha, his brother, - and who was
his sister? - "Ronnit!" she answered!
So she knows it now!) Well this Abba Rafael , who for
you is Saba Rafael,
has made songs together with me
for our three children.
One of them is about how Saba Rafael drove with his
tractor to the fields
and there he saw a lot of storks who were preparing
for flight
[ho! Isn't Rafael's son, Mika's father, preparing for
flight right now?] and when they all had flown into
the sky, one stork stayed behind,
it was very tired and so Saba Rafael invited it to be
our guest for a while!"
When I made a tune to Rafael's
sweet story - in Immanuel's first year, 1963,
while there were so many miles between us in Germany
and Abba in Israel,
I didn't know, that many wandering birds get tired on
their flight and die...
I now watch what I've noted above:
the situations, associations, memories,
the people, the car-driving, the corridors,
- and the feelings which were or still are connected
to all of them.
What a compression of living!
And I breathe and I sigh
and I drink my coffee
(which I don't have in Arad,
"Why?" asked I., and E:: "because her equipment angel
Ezriel hasn't provided it!"
"Exactly! Coffee is definitely not a commodity,
which is vital, it's not even healthy") It's from this last line,
that I could finetune to the Bet Nehemya experience yesterday...
I ask Yafit, the assistent, to help sad
Mika, but her effort to distract her
was not really successful. Still - I must let my litle girl
go...
Here Mika suddenly reminds me of my mother
(1909-1985)
, quite unjustified as prove the few childhood photos of my mother
which I possess
At night
I was scared again, scared of the car,
when I drove to fetch Mika.
I made it alright, even in time (but the fear fulfilled itself
the next morning...)
The only children left and in the care of Lee, Rachel's daughter,
were Mika,
as well as a boy named Adam, about whom Mika keeps talking at
home,
and Amit, the little girl on the photo, whose mother called:
"I'll be late, I'm caught
in a traffic-jam!"
I asked, if I could stay, until the other children would be
fetched,
so as to enjoy the interaction between the kids.
I was warmly welcomed and even brought a glass of water.
Mika looked up from her tower construction,
greeted me with joy (though without getting up...)
and went back to her concentrated work.
The concentration continued, when she chose "kitchen"
activity. "I'm cutting corn for you,
grandma!" "I'm making coffee for you,
Mummy (title of Rachel,
the kindergardener) ! "
After Mika had fallen
into sleep like a stone,
I reported to her parents, via SMS,
that it was "Heaven on Earth".
They asked, if I could write to them,
since after 9 PM, French Time,
they would get access to the Internet for a little while.
I first allowed myself some relaxation,
took care that the neighbor boy wouldn't forget to take Nella
out
completed to deal with the technical problem
which had interfered with my interaction with Mika:
[Ofir on the phone: "I
forgot to tell you, that we'll go away for 4 days
and who will water your garden? "
In the end Zipi's good friend Shai will do it.
He'll come to Arad Thursday evening, just in time!]
And then I sat down to write and write and write!
I did not correct it, leave alone sculpt it,
they were waiting, and indeed their response shows,
how grateful they were for my detailed reporting.
I'll leave the text as I sent it, not even read it again,
in order not to be tempted by my compulsion to correct.
Second and third letter
to my children
who spend the night in Paris
Rachel joins Mika in
ordering the toys,
which were used by the remaining kids,
a perfect cooperation between two women...
What is it that makes Mika so thoughtful,
not as attentive, not as excited as the other five children?
In any case - I enjoyed the very fact, that parents - not only
mothers -
gathered to dance to the sounds of different watches and clocks,
with Hanni, a young grandmother.
And then our Heaven-on-Earth really began!
Being a bit fed-up with all the parks and playgrounds,
and since we were in an unfamiliar part of the town,
I asked her, if she would like to walk around
and - for instance - go over to that football pitch. "Football, football???!! Oh, yes!"
The place and space there was huge.
Mika was a bit disappointed, that it was empty,
and that we couldn't enter the gate we reached.
"People coame, people coame!"
she sang.
And indeed, later - towards sunset, that they started to arrive...
She looked around, saw the stairs we had just descended
and suggested: "Let's sit here
and rest."
"Rest", of course, means - the next activity...
In this case: trying again to learn how to photograph.
In the middle of it I got a phone-call from Arad.
There won't be anyone to water my garden from tomorrow!
Which needed to be followed by phone-calls on my part,
in order to find a solution.
I had to save my camera twice from Mika's still not skilled
fingers,
but then she had to pee and to shit, and the camera could
rest.
Since I couldn't focus on her cherished outdoor toilet activity,
she wasn't careful enough and wetted her skirt and pants .
Nobody was around, so I let her enjoy her nakedness.
Of course, by now she also took off her shoes. "These are not shoes, these are
sandals!" she corrected me.
Mika's photos of the football pitch - with
a bit of help from Grandma
When the people - men - started to arrive,
they went to another gate, which we hadn't discovered before.
We went after them and detected a small very pretty - mini
pitch,
or so it seemed, on which a father and a son trained football.
"Let's play football!"
Mika begged over and over again. "But Mika, can't you see, that
we don't have a ball with us?"
When father-son had left,
Mika was no longer ashamed to bring up her solution:
"We could play football "as
if!"
"Oh yes, of course, why haven't
I thought of that before!"
But when we climbed somehow into the place,
I understood that it was meant for basket-ball.
And as if Mika had known that all along,
she threw up a whitish cap of some bottle.
So she had secretely cared for an"as-if-ball".
I was amazed and delighted
and eager to let her full-fill her desire.
We trained a bit - it hurt a bit -
until I could hold her standing on my shoulders.
And she, indeed, hit the basket!
What a hilarious laughter!
What a pity,
that there was no one to document this scene!
We repeated the feat twice,
but then it was too strenous for me,
and what's more , it wasn't safe at all.
So Mika agreed to postpone basket-ball playing until Bet Nehemya,
where we'll surely install a real basket on the outside wall
of the house,
as my children had done in one of their rented house at Kfar-Wradim,
- a delight for me and Tomer, who was about 10 then,
and who was the one who excited me for this game!
She still didn't want to
go home.
More and more men - with a few small children -
came towards us.
I tried to figure out,
what the event would be tonight,
but Mika already kept me busy
with a new kind of acrobatics.
"What is this?"
"a stand for bikes to park in!".
For her it was a device to climb around.
If at least she would wear her sandals!
The ground was neither clean nor even.
Sometimes she took my hand to help her,
but she never hurt herself
- thanks to you, her guardian-angels!
At the time neither she nor I noticed,
what she would have called in English, if I had asked her about the color
of the stand:
"YELLOW".
So much yellowness!
but I won't think about its meaning now..
Immanuel's
response "Many thanks for the comforting and
relaxing report.
Efrat lets you know, how grateful she is!
All the while we are truly having fun.
It flows how we know to do, when abroad.
A big hug to our Mikantush in the morning."
It should be translated correctly: my strength and song is Jah ,
And it (or "he") is (or has become) to me freedom! [Buber-Rosenzweig
found out, that the real meaning of "yeshu'ah" is
freedom!]
I learnt this song some 40 years ago,
and remembered it today
because the verse - Isaiah
12:2 - is in the same little chapter as "u-te-naham-eni"-"And
you have comforted me"
On June 24, 2012,
I added this verse - a bit modified - as a second stanza
I thank you that you scolded me ...
and comforted me My life's context: whilecopying
the green and yellow RUOW -books, I'm wondering, if and
where I still have denials,
While awakening this morning I again remembered the painful
story,
ofhow
I "blew" the togetherness with Tomer and his friend
at the Kinneret
because I tried to please them and held back my feelings of
anger for too long.
What was different this time, is that I could breathe and
womb my pain,
and at the same time send most loving blessings to those two
boys.
whole&full-filled,
never perfect&complete
Keep It
Simple Sweetheart K.I.S.S.
- L O G 2
0 0 8
2012-06-21 Mika celebrates the end of first grade
and her school celebrates its 10th anniversary
2012-06-24
3 days ago Boris
returned my tent - not yet folded .... - in order to travel to Russia
for four weeks,
with his stepfather, whom he loves dearly, and with whom he wants to connect
on a deeper level.
After a week in Leningrad, where Boris was born, his
mother, who is with them, will go back to Israel,
while Boris and Genia will travel north to a village -and more
"white nights"- to co-create in carpentry.
