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How am I supposed to cope with this crashing and
crushing of feelings?
Let me scream again,
what seems to be
the main stress and distress in this mess:
I rarely stick to any one thread I start on this site.
Whenever I follow an idea, there are ten others
trying to squeeze themselves through that small opening called
"time",
they push and shove ,
until one of them makes it and by-passes the former,
like sperms running towards an egg.
There are millions of sperms
but only one egg can be fertilized and grow...
"Your analogy
is not appropriate, dear co-worker!
The multitude of desires truly call for fulfillment.
You cannot control them, you cannot restrict them,
it's the nature, the function of desire, of MY Disere,
to manifest."
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OH God, Mother,
Spirit, Heart, Body,
the more I limit my exterior situations and interactions,
the more fine-tuned I get to my feelings and desires,
the more overwhelmed I get by too strong, too many feeling,
& the more torn
I get by too many desires concerning creating.
I remember some lines in a poem by Oscar
Wilde:
"The world is too much with us,
giving and spending we lay waste our powers."
And I remember me saying as a child craving for food
"My mouth is so much bigger than my stomach".
Now piercing screeches set me on edge even more,
shrieks of fun from neighboring kids - Succot holidays.
I see the "tangible"
suffering on TV,
in the news, in documentaries, in movies.
I glance into the open folders around me,
and the past crashes into me.
Most of my archive burnt by accident or by my own intention,
an archive, "composed by elimination" of so much "material".
And still - there is much too much around me,
and what is there
- each picture, each tiny comment, each fragment of a diary,
would be enough to FEEL and MOVE for a whole day.
See 4 pages in the folder I composed for Micha's Bar-Mitzwa in 1979:
Biafra 1968 - a mother showing her baby, who died from hunger.
And our so-called Six Day war, 1967, the victorious and the defeated.
35 years later we have not healed neither war nor famine.
And next to those images photos of my happy threesome in 1968
conjuring not only the happiness of my first 5 matrimonial years,
but also the menacing fog, which hid so much denial,
a volcano preparing its devastating eruption.
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 "You
see, you can't even wait for the completion of our answer.
But we don't judge you, nor should you judge yourself.
You've heard - not only from us -
that the "final stage of
healing is laughter".
There is no immediate solution to your stress and distress,
it's ours too.
Don't you think,
we and all our most serious co-workers want creation to change NOW,
this instant?
And that we all have uncountable, innumerable, astronomous multitudes
of ideas,
of how to do that?"
Don't tell me, we have to just bear this stress
and distress!
"It may be very bad for you
at this moment, to hear,
that no, we don't have a solution for it the way you want it."
"Why?
Because there are many judgments
underlying this pressure and stress.
We and you have to entangle them one by one
and - in terms of time - one after the other.
But we won't even go into this now.
This is a time for just moving the pressure and stress.
And also for experiencing with wonder and humor~~
the paradoxical consequence of your self-limitations
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1968
My threesome
Immanuel, Ronnit and Micha,
they build a house together
they paint together
they blow bubbles together
they walk together
and they know about war.
When we sat in the ditch
during the alarms of the first days of June 1967, Ronnit,
not yet 3 1/2, said:
" If a Syrian aeroplane would land on the edge of our
ditch and the pilot would meet us, he surely would want to
make peace with us. " |
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regarding situations,
interactions and manifestations.
It's as if you freed an enormous space from rubble,
only to cause a gigantous dam to burst
and water to overflood this space into all directions."
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Yes, this is a better analogy.
It seems , that I'm going to drown,
if I can't control or manage the flood.
"That's the one judgment,
you are already able to let go of.
Look at yourself, hear yourself,
since you woke up three hours ago,
you haven't stopped
breathing and moving Body.
It doesn't matter,
that this doesn't "help" you.
That the stress and pressure push you towards ever more movement.
Isn't this phantastic?
You cannot know,
how much gets moving,
that has nothing to do with this stress".
You once said,
that we may deny and further deny,
until we attract a trigger strong enough to match the denial.
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"Yes, it's this.
No exterior situation you can attract
will move the kind of denial at stake here."So,
you can also see your predicament from another perspective,
it's what your soul attracts in order to move torrents of denied feelings,
not only from this life - which already would fill the Mediteranean
Sea,
but from so many lives , including the lives of your fragments,
which would fill the Pacific and the Atlantic ocean together.
You mean, I should just let this pressure
force me
to breathe and move and sound continuously?
Don't
worry.
There will be breaks in between,
when you will look at your torrents of torment,
and be a m u s e d.
Amused?
"Yes, darling, AMUSED.
The final stage of healing is laughter. "
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[Grumbling] :
I hear you.
Good!
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WITH DEITY 
