2001_08_28
2001_09_17
studied again on 2006-02-26 following the search of "patience" in Godchannel.com

Heart Pages

Heart Pages Guide

- Charcoal Son
- Response to Charcoal Son
- Coming Up
- Queen of the Rainbow
- Green Poem

Charcoal Son

this is in response to "cinderella and the dark wizard" .
but i triggered my own gap; none of you are to blame.

a bucket of tears are my thanks to you for all your efforts.

and it just goes on and on and on?
now i feel obligated to put myself through every torturous hell she has been through, is it guilt?
it could be something else.
but how can i get her out of this cycle of denied life, decay and death?
because now i have joined her in it.
i could abandon her, sure, i could.
but what sort of son would i be?

now she is degrading, refusing she says to change.
should i just leave her here/
there are two ways i could go,
i could suicide and leave her here to mourn and curse her fate as she does every day,
or i could just move away and deny her that way,
leaving her here to curse me, curse my brother and my father and maybe even god.
am i supposed to follow her into hell?

i must find a way to not deny her,
and yet not follow her into the hell she seems to think is her only recourse.

pp15
and this is my mother i am talking about here.
talk about fragments all you like;
she is the mother i have known all my life.
she has cursed me for as long as i can remember hearing words,
but there is always a way, right?

she oppresses me because she is oppressed, she sees no other way.
i forgive and forgive and she curses me again, more vilely and insistently.
the curses grow blacker and more foul, they stick
and i find myself doing things i cannot control,
after someone curses me for twenty five years...

if she were the only one?
now i hear the mother warriors for what they are!
it seems almost as if the war never ended.
the father warriors are obvious,
they are in the news driving armies toward their deaths on various battlegrounds.
the mother warriors are there too, spitting out curses,
i have felt them and fended their worst attacks,
they redouble and come back harder.
i am even beyond requesting health,
every day feels like it may be my last, it gets harder and harder.

this is not a channeling, this is straight from my heart

...another charcoal son

Response to Charcoal Son

Charcoal Son - I hear what you say, and I also feel the Mother's side of it.
She is angry, she has every right to be angry,
I feel and understand and acknowledge her anger and pain.
You talk about forgiveness like she has done something to be forgiven for.
You talk about forgiveness like you have the right to forgive her.

You talk about forgiveness
while denying the part you play in putting her in hell in the first place.

What is forgiveness?
To the Mother it means,
"You've done something that I have judged as wrong,
and therefore you are wrong,
but that's okay, I release you from the karma of that."

Forgiveness has no place in the Mother's healing.
In fact, it further increases her pain.

Compassion must replace forgiveness for there to be healing.
Compassion comes from understanding.
Once true understanding comes,
judgment, blame, and therefore forgiveness have no space in which to exist.
True understanding begets true compassion. Healing begins here.

I doubt very much
whether she wants you to follow her into hell and suffer the tortures that she has suffered.
It has been my experience
that the parts of her most deserving of compassion
are the parts that are the most capable of showing compassion.
Her compassion is the biggest and most beautiful thing there is.
I've seen it.
It's a measure of her greatness, that she has this compassion after all she's been through.

Charcoal Son,

I urge you to sit down with her,
to ask her how she feels,
to ask her what makes her feel that way.
Suspend judgment.
Let her know that you understand her feelings.
She's not wrong, and her feelings are not wrong.
They just are.
Let her know you love her.

[2006_02_26 - According to Spirit even sitting with her and listening might be too much for her.
I must wait until she invites me, see pp35 Following Will's and Body's Lead]

I strongly suspect that this is what she wants.
It's what I want.

Coming Up
[short lines in the original]

Our Ark continues to be built,
In secret of course
with hands of love and patience,
In the materials of the salvation
of our lives
that we cannot see,
Only feel and sense.
The seeds are all planted.
Now we water them,
send our dearest nurture
to their little Heartlings' sweet unfoldment,
Held in the Wombed soil
Warmed and weeded
by the Highest of the High
We see not the shoot nor the flower
But the food is the Best There Is.
The Gardeners grow a future
of ecstatic harvest
Where none has ever been.
Feel the movement in the ground.
The ground of Body.
Look for the green
It is coming up.

Queen of the Rainbow (Dying on the Floor)
[short lines in the original]

Left unsaid, left unsung
Out in the cold on the bottom rung
Denied, defied, defiled, decried, undeified
We gave a berth wide
Around You whom we haven't wanted to see

Who are You
Whom even the poets scorn
Around whom the crows swarm
Lying and leftover whom
No one wanted to be

We laugh and clink, eat and drink
Pretending to be merry
'Cuz that's the way we are supposedly
While on the floor You stink
Squashed like a berry
Forgotten to be remembered
As a once invited Guest
And it used to be best
Knowing where He started
Soft as silk we in Her dwelt always
How warm and safe She felt
Encumbered, surrounded
Ensconced so dreamily
Drifting while we'd slow be lifting
Eyes of curiosity
Bobbing, softly sobbing
In an endless briny sea

We were in You way back when.
Now, jumped out of the egg
And forgot who laid it
Made it bade it grow
Now I want to say to You
"It's me
I remember
I know"
Inaction speaks louder than words
Emotions expressed are the birds
Who fly the twinkly twisted twigs
Unearthed from the mess
And fashion a nest
Where we might rest
Our weary bones
Once we come home
And undeny the unknown
Queen of the Rainbow

May all our tears water the seeds She's sown
And when we've finally grown
Up enough to pick Her up
From the muck and dust Her off
And say proudly to all...
"This is my Mother in Whom I trust"
Then finally we must
Go home together again.

Green Poem

Somewhere between Heart and Body,
I'm one of these that can't be holding all this alone,
just as I know Body's holding the pain Mother can't hold.

I blame everyone when I can't live
and I die for my mistakes with the Mother.
I have to fight everyone.

I live in fear.

'I live alone' just as I went apeshit
ever since God swathed Heart of the Will to Body.
He didn't know.
He didn't know he destroyed the inner Green
and I felt for him and called for him.

I know both my sets of Parents even so as I am the Heart of All;
I know all these issues and these words
because I know and love you;
I remain with them though I can't fully be on this site.

My personage here came into my second right place several Earth years back.
I moved like a god in my layers and levels of green energy
and everyone alive came to visit me, almost,
(sans their manifest bodies and harems);
even some special dead people just as old Jesus still heals his wounds.
Peter Pan was alive again

How ridiculous, I'm still told. We'll soon see.

Where is Elfin Woman?
You don't see me, you don't see her.
All I know is that Green mother is in our base Pool with Grandmother.

From my Place,
the Grand Parents allowed New Heart and the Manifesting Parents keep it as Child~
it's weird how We all did that without healing the Plane of Reversal.

The Grand Parents are the only parents who do not kill me.
You kill Me, you kill the Rainbow.
If people continue to kill my present right place on Earth by second attention imbalance,
I am going to kill them as Grandfather-in-Body just as some have said.
They will sleep in tar
and here we are, again, back at the Plane of Reversal.

It oozes slowly and methodically onto Earth ~
Dragons meet their match as the Mother gently heaves and ho's...

That entity of denied Heart~ say hello to me.
I've found it so difficult for me to be alive and you to be dead.
I try joking, I try croaking, I try to sing your Song...

Heart Pages Guide